BROOM Breaking News

Why We Write
And yet we see another edition published – just in time as we are so used to it by now. Thinking back so many years, I have to admit that I would have never believed that we can manage to produce a new edition of this wonderful magazine for you every month. We did.
Why? The day before our publication is due, I always ask myself this question. I especially ask myself this question, when there are some jobs of articles still vacant. Many of you will now argue that this provides us with our daily bread, but as a matter of fact it doesn't. Have you ever wondered why we make use of laves – or as they now would like to be called 'very badly paid employees' and why we still put up with the extravaganzas of Geronimo, our head printer? The reason is as sad as it is simple: it's the best we can afford!
So, why do we do this? I can only write for myself here, but am pretty sure that Brian agrees completely and that the slaves feel not quite so different about it: I love it! I love it because it gives me the opportunity to write about what I am interested in. Sometimes, I have brilliant ideas and write, sometimes I have no idea at all and write. There is no other place in the world where I would have so much freedom.
I could not do any longer without this platform to share my innermost everything. Nor without Brian, the slaves, Harriet, Leslie, Violet, Agatha and even Geronimo. (MF)

Potato Problem
(The World) Some scientists secretly seek to show how homo sapiens had the chance to turn into homo sapiens. In order to do so they apply various experiments. If success shows up, they send their results to a scientific magazine or lately turn towards a TV company. The TV company does a documentary and various viewers are watching the prepared programme on TV. This is what happened to us.
Innocently encountering one of these we were overwhelmed by the thesis that was presented. The theme of the show was how we got our brilliant brains. Now, our lawyer has told us to tell you to sit down before you read on and to point out that we are not responsible for any damage that is done to your brain or any other part of your body in case of collapse. It's cooked potatoes. Yes our forefathers or probably – if not too much has changed in this respect – our foremothers started cooking potatoes. In doing so they destroyed the long chains of molecules which take a lot of energy to be digested and an easy to use dish remained. The energy that was saved was used for our brains hence the development.
Now our brains may not be as brilliant as those super organs of scientists, still there is one aspect of the history of the potato which got stuck in our memories and one detail about the destiny of homo sapiens and they just don't match: the potato comes from the Americas, while homo sapiens comes from Africa. There's an ocean between the two.
We are not sure which of the two parties swam to reach the other, but we know for sure that this would have taken a very long time and cost a lot of energy. Our guess is that if any of the two parties had swum, it would have used the energy to turn into a fish. We certainly would have done that. (MF)

newBROOM-e-gram

2nd January 2015
North Korea attacks the US computer systems because their dictator does not like being the subject of a satirical film. Unlike in his own country, he cannot just kill the director and actors. But he manages to scare the Americans into stopping the film's release.

7th January 2015
Terrorists attack the French satire magazine Charlie Hebdo. They kill some journalists and other people. We are deeply moved by this and are united in grief with everyone else whose aim is freedom of press and freedom of opinion. Nous sommes Charlie!

10th January 2015
Nasa does not manage to land a rocket on a ship - it lands too hard... Maybe they should not just have played action computer games to test their weapons but used some official, scientific programmes instead.

16th January 2015
The USA start working on diplomatic contacts with - - - Cuba. Yep, they do talk to the bad Commies. Interesting to see.

23rd January 2015
The king of Saudi-Arabia is dead. His half-brother follows him as king. Nice to have a stable monarchy.

26th January 2015
The first female bishop in the Anglican Church is ordained at York. It only took them roughly 500 years to find out that women can think too. Mind you, the Catholics haven't found out about that yet - and they have been in business for almost 2000 years.

31st January 2015
Former German president Richard von Weizsäcker dies at the age of 94. He was a very renowned politician and a great elder statesman.

Agony Auntie Agatha

Dear Agony Auntie Agatha,
I have completely missed the birthday of a much loved institution. The birthday will take place this very month and I'm still in want of a present for the representatives of this unique mindmaker magazine. My biggest fear is that I cannot find the right present for those people who must have everything judging from the liberties they take in writing and righting. Have you got a good piece of advice for me?
Justin Time, Devon

Dear Justin,
this is a really difficult one. However, I guess dropping them a line would be nice – that is if you know them personally. I always prefer contact to gifts – mind you, we are wasting so much time nowadays spending time without the people we like that time itself has turned into the most precious gift we can possibly afford and as you are so rightly named, I guess that is the present from you. Hope I could be of help!
Agatha

Dear Agony Auntie Agatha,
this is not really a problem, but more of a worry or concern. You see, I'm an editor for a very famous magazine and so far everything has run quite smoothly, however, there is this worry in me that one day I will simply run out of ideas. Just imagine that the piece of parchment in front of me would remain empty and my quick quote quill would run dry because it is not put to any use. Please, do help me!
Anonymous Editor-in-Mischief, Hogsmeade

Dear Anonymous Editor-in-Mischief,
why worry? As long as the world keeps turning, there will be plenty of topics for you to write about. Every day offers at least half an hour of news including sports and the weather that fill the airtime on national TV. Even if this world should stop turning, just imagine what great news that would make! And if the worst comes to the worst you can always fall back and tell the public that there is nothing worth reporting about!
Agatha